Note 1

My life was all about hope and optimism. I used to convince myself to keep having hope inside my heart that anything is possible as long as I work hard enough for it. I really thought that having such belief is enough to make me move forward. I actually believed that I could do anything I desire, like I was on the top of the world. Apparently, it went well for a while. I had good grades, supportive environment, and adequate financial capacity. I just didn't realize it merely lasted for a while. One day, it was gone all of a sudden like a ghost and I didn't see that coming at all.

The kind of life I used to conceptualize in my mind is precisely the opposite of the current reality. All I see now is pain, misery, stress, and all other negative conditions you can name. It's really hard for me to describe how it is, but it somehow eats my soul. Slowly, but certain. I feel like I'm not me. I feel like my happiness is deprived. I feel like there's a hole inside my heart that gets bigger as time goes on. I feel like I'm suffocating like it's getting harder for me to breathe. The truth is, I just want the pain to end. I want this to stop and go away. I want my old life back. I don't want to see me like this because I just hate me more when I'm like this. I want to feel happy again. Not like this.

I expect the world to care for my conditions. Turns out, some of them noticed me for how I feel. However, it was tragic that I pushed all of them away. I chose not to reply any of their messages because I really don't know if they actually cared or just pretend to care. I never really told anyone. Not because I am frightened of judgments or insults. I'm really accustomed to those things. It's just that I don't know if people will understand. They may say that they do understand about my circumstances. But, they don't. They don't know how crazy my life has been lately. They don't know how it feels like to work hard with no payback. They don't know how depressing it is to be undermined or disrespected for the struggles I've put every single day. I just don't trust people too much anymore.

I really don't know if I should open up to my friends or not. I told my mom about my problems and she ended up being disappointed with me instead of calming me down as I expected her to do. So, if my mom couldn't bear with it, I'm not sure if people whom I've just known for several years will understand. I think that's the reason I've had some trust issues lately. I don't know whom to trust. I don't know if people will understand. But, even if they understand, what's the point? Telling my stories to them will not change anything. My problems will stay the same and still grow bigger anyway. I still have to carry the burdens on my own. So, it's not just about trust. But, who actually has a willingness to help me and not just say some meaningless words that won't affect anything?

This really sounds over-dramatic. It really looks like I'm crying for a help. Maybe you care. Maybe you don't. Maybe you want to give me tangible help. Maybe you don't. I don't know. I'm not even sure if anyone will ever read this post anyway. But, if you really want to help me, that actually means a world to me. But, please don't react in a shocking manner like people commonly do. I don't want to feel like I'm sick. I don't know if I am or I'm not. I just want to be treated like a normal individual. But, then again, no one will read this post. I think I hope too much like I used to.